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"My heart is in the east, and I in the uttermost west." — Yehudah Ha-Levi

Chrismas vs Chanukah

Posted by kneidalach on December 11, 2007

Now, if anyone asks you what the difference is between Xmas and Chanukah, you will know what and how to answer!

                   
1. Xmas is one day, same day every year, December 25.
Jews also love December 25th. It’s another paid day off work. We go to movies and out for Chinese food and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure.
Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing us to consult a calendar so we don’t look like idiots. We all have the same calendar, provided free with a donation from the World Jewish Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially in Florida) or other Jewish funeral home.
2. Christmas is a major holiday.
Chanukah is a minor holiday with the same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived, let’s eat.
3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos…
Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.
4. There is only one way to spell Christmas.
No one can decide how to spell Chanukah, Chanukkah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah, etc, so even if you are an illiterate klutzyou can’t go wrong.
5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends. Their partners expect special gifts.
Jewish men are relieved of that burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.
6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills.
Candles are used for Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.
7. Christmas carols are beautiful…Silent Night, Come All Ye Faithful….
Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a party and dancing the hora. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And don’t Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?
8. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful from sweet smell of cookies and cakes baking.
A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions. Jews burn their eyes and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkes on Chanukah. Another reminder of our suffering through the ages. Unless of course you are in Israel where they celebrate by eating inedible cherry donuts call sufganiot.
9. Parents deliver presents to their children during Christmas.
Jewish parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.
10. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names such as Mary and Joseph.
The players in the Chanukah story are Antiochus, Judah Maccabee, and Matta-whatever. No one can spell it or pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.
11. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized.
We save money on Chanukah, less gifts to buy, less to return, less junk to deal with, easier to sleep with.
Better to stick with Chanukah!

source: Jewishmag.com

PS- Thanks Oyster for the picture!

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5 Responses to “Chrismas vs Chanukah”

  1. Oyster said

    That picture is impossible, btw. Walruses live in the north pole, and penguins live in the south pole.

    Bah, humbug!!

  2. Ish Tov said

    Great post and summary of modern day Chanukah. I can totally relate to not knowing when it starts until some whose not Jewish asks. And the Sinai Memorial calendars were a staple back east. I’m improving on my Chanukah awareness though. This year I had a xtian friend email saying Nes Gadol Hayah Sham or whatever. At first I thought he was saying something in Spanish, but then I realized it was the dreidal phrase about the miracle.

    One last Chanukah-ism I would add to the list is that people totally sell short today, the last day of Chanukah. We light the full menorah and assume that Chanukah is over the next day, but Chanukah is still going strong all the way until sunset. So live it up people.

  3. Kneidalach said

    3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume, stereos…
    Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.

    I definately agree that underwear (and socks) do look very impressive on the bookshelf.

  4. Oyster said

    Kneidalach, mind if I browse your shelves? ;-)

  5. Kneidalach said

    you’ll definately find some Rambam there :P

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