Oy Bay!

"My heart is in the east, and I in the uttermost west." — Yehudah Ha-Levi

Jewish Student Weekly: Hannukah Gifts!

Posted by Oyster on December 15, 2006

2007 JSW Hanukkah Gift Guide


so you’ve been cramming all day and night for finals. forgetting all about hanukkah. no worries. you’re a horrible person but we’ve got your gift giving covered. you also want us to take your finals? that’s being a little greedy, but fine. no we cannot guarantee a B+ or higher, now you’re just being unreasonable. we’ll still give you great gift ideas but that is IT! Here they are:

FOR YOUR COUSIN TAKING THE SAT’S FOR THE SIXTH TIME THIS YEAR: how about a plush bear to let them know that even if they don’t get into Harvard, they can always get a job at Build-A-Bear down the road. We hear you start at minumum wage, but there is definitely room for upward mobility. Also the dental insurance is fantastic. very comprehensive coverage.

FOR YOUR ORGO ROOMATE WHO BRINGS LAB SPECIMENTS BACK TO YOUR DORM: we suggest Chef Yossi’s Shea Butter odor-eliminating soap. there’s something scintillating about using soap named after a guy named yossi faigenblat. can you get any more jewish sounding? The answer is Yes. However Rabbi Moishe Ben Yehuda-Levi doesn’t make cologne. Yet.


FOR THE ELAL AGENT WHO ASKED YOU QUESTIONS A TAD BIT TOO RELIGIOUS ON YOUR RECENT TRIP TO ISRAEL: you flip-flopped on the order of the Five Books of Moses but it doesn’t mean you’re flip-flopping on your religion. Maybe some blue and white crocs will let them know you only wear your flip-flops on your feet. We just hope they appreciate visual puns as much as they hate the threat of terror!

FOR YOUR SPOILED SDT GIRLFRIEND THAT TRIED TO USE HER NORDSTROM VISA AS A STUDENT ID:
1. sex and the city seasons 1-7. already has.
2. 3 pairs of ugg boots. already has.
3. frozen hot chocolate. fouuuund it.

FOR YOUR EX-ZBT BOYFRIEND THAT DUMPED YOU RIGHT BEFORE THE DPhiE FORMAL:
Personalize Jones Soda’s Turkey and Gravy Soda with Jewish-themed labels like Borscht Juice and Kugel Cola. And if your local novelty supermarket is closed, then a batch of freshly baked rice crispy treats with kashi instead of rice crispies will also do the trick.


FOR THE CAFETERIA MANAGER THAT PURCHASED THE LOWER QUALITY VEGGIE BURGER KNOWING FULL WELL YOU KEEP KOSHER AND COULDN’T EAT ANYTHING ELSE: try Dave Lieberman’s book Young and Hungry. the textbook to food has a simple premise: great taste starts with great ingredients. what a concept. On the inside you can inscribe something like: “This should teach you a thing or two about taste quality. Where did you go wrong?” He’ll appreciate that!

FOR YOUR SISTER STUDYING ABROAD NEXT SEMESTER WHILE YOU GET STUCK STUDYING FOR THE LSATS: try MOMA’s foreign travel book and fake airplane tickets. The look on her face when she reaches the airport and notices her tickets are actually written on the back of BestBuy receipts will be priceless! Good thing you got that digital camera from Best Buy to photograph that priceless expression (and of course, you’ll need the receipts for your fake airplane tickets!) Everybody wins!

FOR THE PROFESSOR THAT GRADED YOUR PAPER ON A HIGHER STANDARD BECAUSE YOU TOOK A PRO-ISRAEL STAND: give them an annual AIPAC membership that includes a year’s worth of the pro-Israel Near East Report. And, next semester, reward yourself with a different professor. Repeat year after year until failed out of school. Who needs a college diploma when you have your dignity!

Okay, go back to studying now. We don’t care if you already finished your finals, GO BACK TO STUDYING!

Special thanks to Amir Blumenfeld. Born in Israel, Amir is a top writer at the internet’s leading humor site: collegehumor.com. He’s made videos where he speaks Hebrew and gets Hebrew spoken to him.

Also special thanks to Molly Levinson, a senior at the University of Georgia, for many great gift ideas.

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One Response to “Jewish Student Weekly: Hannukah Gifts!”

  1. All I can say is “gummy haggis.” Those two simple words linked my site to yours, and I’m pleased to meet you. –Bunk

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