Oy Bay!

"My heart is in the east, and I in the uttermost west." — Yehudah Ha-Levi

You know you’re from San Jose when…

Posted by Oyster on March 20, 2007

Heh, I know this isn’t very Jewish, but my awesome Jewish friend sent it to me. Enjoy! If anyone wants to collaborate on making a Jewish version of this, lemme know.

>  Oakland is close enough so you can root
> for its teams, but far enough away so that you feel
> safe.
>
> You can distinguish between a cryp and a blood at
> Great America basedyo upon the nuances of their
> limp.
>
> Several “parties” you frequent take place inside
> someone’s garage amongst laundry, sitting on crates
> around a bong.
>
> You know why 280 south becomes 680 north.
>
> Your elementary school field trips included the
> Children’s Discovery Museum, Mission Santa Clara,
> and Happy Hollow.
>
> You didn’t realize that San Jose` had an accent mark
> until the “San Jose` – the Capital of Silicon
> Valley” signs went up everywhere.
>
> You don’t understand how you could have functioned
> before hway 85.
>
> Nickel City = Awesome.
>
> You had your hair done at Special FX for prom.
>
> You or a family member has made a donation to KQED.
>
>
> You know at least three jokes regarding the
> ambiguous sexual orientation of boys from
> Bellarmine.
>
>
> You learned the concept of “Duck and Cover” just in
> the nick of time.
>
> You use “The Church on the Hill” as a landmark.
>
> You’ve been to at least one party at the Vallco ice
> rink.
>
> You’ve gotten in a car accident at Almaden and
> Blossom Hill.
>
> Smashmouth. Don’t say ANYTHING.
>
> You have an arsenal of tongue-in-cheek pet names for
> West Valley College.
>
> You said “hella” in high school because it was the
> thing to say, and you say “hella” now to claim San
> Francisco. But you’re from San Jose.
>
> You were usually in Santa Cruz in high school.
>
> You can’t decide whether to take 101 or 280.
>
> You or a family member got a car on Capitol Expwy.
>
> The only time you’ve ever been to the Winchester
> Mystery House is when an out-of-town relative
> insisted on seeing it.
>
> You remember AFI before they hit the mainstream.
>
> You know that “Christmas in the Park” has very
> little to do with an actual park.
>
> Whenever Caesar Chavez park comes to mind, you
> envision a giant “poop” statue… yeah, you know
> what i mean!
>
> You call it “San Ho” and laugh to yourself a little.
> Every time.
>
> You have impromptu high school reunions at the Brit.
>
> You participated in CCS.
>
> You’ve eaten Golfland nachos.
>
> You think lightrail is the ONLY way to go.
>
> You went to Summer Jams or BFD.
>
> You meet your friends at the Santa Teresa Starbucks.
> You smoke cigarettes outside the Santa Teresa
> Starbucks.
>
> You have comprehensive knowledge of Paul from the
> Diamond Center’s credentials and advertising
> campaigns.
>
>
> You’ve danced at the Edge.
>
> You’re usually bored.
>
> You go to LaFondue for your anniversary because its
> mandated by the city. You have to go, its just
> something you have to do.
>
>
> You’ve made the joke about “Silicone Valley”.
>
> Hicks Road scares the shit out of you.
>
> You’ve driven up hicks road several times late at
> night with a car full of friends looking for the
> legendary albinos that live there.
>
> You’ve crashed a computer company’s Christmas party
> at the Fairmont.
>
> You were at your computer company’s Christmas party
> at the Fairmont when some loser burnouts crashed it.
>
> You are in the drive-thru line at the Branham
> Jack-in-the-Box at 3am.
>
> …Honestly, if you tell them about Smashmouth we’ll
> never live it down.
>
> Remember Christy Yamaguchi.
>
>
> Your don’t know exactly what your dad does, but you
> know its something in high tech.
>
> Your mom is a member of AVAC.
>
> You’ve tried to get to that building on the top of
> Mt. Umunhum.
>
> When you are aware of the fact that its the third
> largest city in California dammit, its not like its
> some obscure town in the central valley or a high
> sierra mining camp. Its frickin San Jose. Its got
> like a million people. You haven’t heard of it?
> That’s because you’re ignorant. That’s because
> you’re ignorant and disgusting. PS we made your
> computer. Now do you feel stupid? A little bit?
> Yeah.
>
> You always answer the question “San Jose? Where is
> that?” with “About an hour south of San Francisco
> (dumbass)”.
>
> You went to a rave, knew someone who went to a rave,
> or at least pretended that you were a raver in the
> late 90s.
>
> You can judge a person with frightening acuity based
> on what high school they went to, regardless of that
> high school’s geographical location. Leland and
> Santa Teresa – case in point.
>
> You saw Primus at the Cactus Club.
>
> You know what yay is.
>
> You do the ‘california roll’ through every stop
> sign.
>
> You know oakridge mall is now “the hip place to be”.
>
> You know that when people say the’yre “going to the
> city” they mean san fran.
>
> At least once you have gone to San Francisco for the
> day wearing shorts and a t-shirt because it was a
> warm clear day in San Jose. And you froze your
> little @$#^ off.
>
> You’ve been to a giants game [if you think san
> francisco giants, you obviously dont live in san
> jose]
>
> You know “The Woods” isn’t an actual forest.
>
> You played in the fountains downtown when you were a
> kid.
>
> The SJ flea market is the only place on earth where
> you decide that you need a poncho, a cowboy hat,
> some fresh produce, a genuine samurai sword, and a
> picture of Elvis. And you just have to talk the
> vendor down from two bucks to a buck fifty for the
> Elvis picture.
>
> You have at least one friend who brags about knowing
> player for the SJ Sharks.
>
> You’ve spent over 6 hours of your life looking for
> parking at Santana Row.
>
> Things start to smell like garlic about 30 minutes
> south of your house.
>
> You are fully aware of the fact that 87 will never
> be “finished”.
>
> When people refer to “the field”, you know they’re
> talking about the empty plot of land across from
> Safeway by 85, Branham and Snell.
>
> The Rosicrucian Egyptian Museum scares you.
>
> You know that Mr. Chau is ‘all over da place’.
>
> Deciding between La Vic’s and Iguanas is a daily
> choice.
>
> You know that the pink poodle isn’t referring to a
> dog of color.
>
> You’ve been in a sex shop on San Carlos (or at least
> thought about going in).
>
> You’ve been to Raging Waters
>
> You remember going to birthday parties at Golden
> Skate Roller Palace or Q-zar.
>
> Going to the Cardinal makes you feel a lot younger
> because of all the old people.
>
> Finding fingers in your chili is not something to
> laugh at.
>
> You fear for your life, and you have “near death”
> stories just traveling down Tully.
>
> All the cool high school kids go to the Gaslighter.
>
> You’ve driven around Willow Glen at Christmas to see
> all of the insanely tricked-out Christmas lights.
>
> You drove all the way to Willow Glen or the Rose
> Garden Area to go trick-or-treating.
>
> You know all the good hookah bars.
>
> You’ve lived in San Jose your whole life and still
> manage to get lost once in a while.
>
> You wish you lived in a house on University Avenue.
>
> You’ve gone to the behemoth that is the Martin
> Luther King library to do research and gotten
> hopelessly lost.
>
> You get annoyed when people say you aren’t from the
> bay even though your city is bigger and if they
> checked the city limits-they touch water.
>
> When you were seven the tech museum’s ball machine
> was the coolest thing ever and you could watch it
> for hours.
>
> You remember when the only IMAX anyone was able to
> go to was at the Tech Museum.
>
> You wondered why there were random shark sculptures
> on every street corner last summer.
>
> You’ve known that the Pink Poodle has been right
> next to Babyland your whole life, but you still make
> jokes every time you drive by.
>
> You read the Merc.
>
> You remember when the HP Pavilion was built, when
> everyone called it “the arena”, and now refer to it
> as the Shark Tank.
>
> If it weren’t for the sharks, you probably wouldn’t
> watch hockey.
>
> The airplane at Vasona defined your childhood.
>
> It was a huge deal the one time it snowed, even
> though it pretty much melted once it hit the ground.
>
> You dream of living in one of those mansions in the
> Los Gatos Hills.
>
> You’ve designed, colored, or glues maccoroni on to
> an ornament for a Christmas tree for Christmas in
> the Park.
>
> Your trip to the slopes starts at 4 in the morning.
>
> Going to Los Gatos is not an event unless you see at
> least 3 Lambo’s.
>
> Hwy 9 is the funnest road in the bay.
>
> You can find, purchase, and start hitting a sack in
> under 10 minutes.
>
> You know why there are no skyscrapers downtown.
>
>

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6 Responses to “You know you’re from San Jose when…”

  1. Marla said

    You or a family member has made a donation to KTEH…the San Jose public station

  2. Oyster said

    MEH

  3. rad said

    No matter the location, everything is always ’15 minutes away’

  4. Brooke said

    I totally relate to this article of you know your from san jose when..well not all but alot of the things you’ve said are right on the ball!!LOL

  5. elizsbeth wstson said

    If you listened to KOME 98.5 …HEY U GOT KOME ON THE RADIO DIAL ! Lol loved that station

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