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"My heart is in the east, and I in the uttermost west." — Yehudah Ha-Levi

‘Physical’ Jewess tackles “Orthodox Paradox”

Posted by Oyster on September 11, 2007

inna kiwiInna is a Jewish grad student (seen here pictured with her beloved kiwi) in physics. Whether discussing sex, academia, or Judaism on her Facebook blog, she speaks her mind and more often than not leaves you shocked or laughing your ass off. She recently opined on Judaism in the context of Rosh HaShanah, and I re-post it, with permission, here.

On this day (not this one, the next) where god’s chosen people celebrate the passage of another year, I will proudly proclaim that I fucking love Judaism. Mainly because the boys (only those that are 100% Ashkenazi, however) are quirkier, smarter, and have larger penises. But the fact of the matter might unfortunately be that I love the religion so much because I know nothing about it.

Recently, I have started to suspect that the whole endeavor becomes hypocritical if you don’t actually believe in god (this is not to say that I am atheist or agnostic, because frankly, I can’t stand those pretentious irreligious fucks). A few people have informed me that if I had been taught right, it would be impossible to see the whole thing as a big metaphor. There you have it, I’m a hypocrite…moving right along…

One thing I’ve noticed is that as the observance of Jewish practices becomes more and more literal, I get more and more offended. Giving up filet mignon? Separating men and women? Covering up my expensively coiffed hair? Ritual cleansing for my period? Fuck that. If any guy I am dating refuses to have sex when I’m on my period, he is so dumped and so vilified via facebook.

I recently read an article in the Times (its called ‘orthodox paradox’; subscription required, but its really good, so check it out in the liberry!) about some of the beliefs of the orthodox. Apparently, these people actually take that whole ‘god’s chosen people’ thing seriously. Although I agree with the community’s negative stance on intermarriage (this was the main point of the article), I always assumed that the jews had simply been ‘chosen’ to have a higher incidence of Asperger syndrome (and to take over the media, and whatever crap they’ve been accused of lately).

So on this day (tomorrow, not today), I will (might) attend services for once. And since much of it will be in Hewbrew, I will remain completely oblivious to the (slightly more offensive) religious parts of my religion.


13 Responses to “‘Physical’ Jewess tackles “Orthodox Paradox””

  1. Ben said

    “Ritual cleansing for my period? Fuck that.”

    I think Judaism has more than just this correct right on the head of the nail. Also, the family purity laws (2 weeks on, 2 weeks off) are supposedly highly instrumental in keeping Torah observant Jewish marriages alive for a lifetime.

  2. Oyster said

    lso, the family purity laws (2 weeks on, 2 weeks off) are supposedly highly instrumental in keeping Torah observant Jewish marriages alive for a lifetime.

    True, but they also may lead to “Halakhic Infertility” for some couples.

  3. minsky said

    Praise to da re-post and da Chick behind it. PBUH.

    Sex mixed with menses, lady, you is mean and nasty! But your ebullient pubescence is an emollient.

    Let me ask you a question. If it had a big dick, IQ of 180, and was nappy enough to merit “eccentricity/quirkiness/uniqueness”… what would you say?

    Let me paraphrase you, you
    1) love Judaism because of its boys endowments
    2) Or because of your ignorance.

    (This obviously raises a few questions, not the least of which, is your, or any girls place in Judaism? )

    Assume, for a moment, that you take religion A, (Islam, Krishnaism), and learn that most of its male adherent meet your estrous criteria. What kind of post will that be?


    That was an aside.

    Noah Feldman said some nasty stuff about Orthodox Judaism, eliciting accusations of “so what, that’s the way it is, and you can either deal with it, or get out of the kitchen”.

    If Inna had been writing about Orthodox Judaism, then her post merits more comment. However, if she is entirely ignorant of modern judaism’s allegorical reading of the Penta-Teuch, then one word of advice:

    modern Judaism does not render the Torah literally. This isn’t Nashville or LA, no Apocalypses, no Second Comings. It isn’t Mecca and Medina, no slaughter the infidels, no honor killings.

  4. Rav Nachum said

    Please 2 weeks on 2 weeks off?
    That is nothing!

    Halakhic Infertility???

    Where do you get this @#$!?

    The laws of family purity were built for married couples not dating people…. Dating people should not have this problem……!

    Plus once your married you will pray for 2 weeks on!

    When in it comes to Jewish practice (and I am speaking in my capacity as a rabbi)

    Don’t sweat the small stuff and don’t take Halakha out of context!

    The laws of family purity only apply to married couples and once your married you will understand the nuance of their significance before then don’t stress over it to much. Take it up with your local rabbinic authority about 2 months before you tie the knot and you will then begin to understand the why and how’s…

    As for Halakhic Infertility (oyster tsk tsk) what do you think this is the dark ages? Even the most stringent rabbi’s in Jerusalem have lenience for such cases…

    Lastly to our friend who is torn apart by the trouble associated with stringent practice… I say to her if she reads this.


    Find what you can do, what you feel comfortable doing, what you understand (or at least are trying to understand) and do that. The greatest B”T Jews did not just flip the switch and become super Jews. Their journeys started in small places on small roads and they evenly made their way to their destination… wherever that was.

    I hope Rosh Hashanah was nice for you and with G-d’s help we will all pray together this weekend on Yom Kipper (albeit in most likely in different synagogues)

  5. Oyster said

    Reb Nakhum:

    No tsk tsk necessary. This is a problem for some couples, and I never said that some evil Bet Din of black-hatters are unwavering in keeping loving couples in such a predicament. I was just responding to Ben’s claim that Niddah is a panacea for the long-term stability of Jewish marriages. There can be problems with it. If a young couple is too afraid to challenge their rabboinim on this and ask for a kheter, then they might suffer without recourse.

    With that said, I agree with you and Ben that I can see the logic of Niddah. I mean, who wouldn’t want to share their wife’s spotted underwear with their rabbi?! j/k! No, seriously. It makes sense in the context of an orthodox community. But currently it doesn’t speak to me.

  6. Meydale said

    Niddah makes perfect sense to me.

    There are lots of consequences when keeping Niddah.
    One of them, is an important balance between the physical, and the emotional/intellectual bond in a marriage. Taking 2 weeks off, not only strengthens the non-physical bonds while in Niddah, but theoretically it strengthens the physical desire during the ‘good’ two weeks.

    “If any guy I am dating refuses to have sex when I’m on my period, he is so dumped and so vilified via facebook.”

    I personally think it’s gross… I’d much rather NOT have sex when I’m on my period :-S

  7. minsky said

    I had posted something here and disappeared. I am crying spilled milk.

    Basically, I had three questions:

    1) Are you really saying that your love for Judaism is based on dicks and IQs? If yes, then
    2) If religion X (Islam, Rotarians, Odd Fellows, Falung Gong) somehow bequeathed large dicks to its adherents, and an IQ of 150, will you get worked up about them?
    3) Are you suggesting that when not dicks and IQs, its about your ignorance of the entire matter, that leads you to love Judaism?

    Look, I didn’t want to be mean about it. Thanks to you, I read Noah Feldman, and at least five responses to his article. Your style is very nice, but it has exposed you to some rather odd observations on the part of the reader, and I’d like to have some responses from you.

    Oh, and don’t think I am moralizing here. I don’t really care about your period… but it is a bit nasty to stigmatize someone who may. Are you aware of the probability of a male yeast infection if he has intercourse with a menstruating woman? Do you think a mans yeast infection is any less painful than yours? If you know that is what he is likely to get from you, will you then reconsider the justice in public denouncement of him? After all, you may really just be publicly showing off your caloussnes. Not to mention, put in question whether or not you have had sex while menstruating?

  8. […] involved in this smarmy smut is obviously not very observant. The ads for male genital enhancement doesn’t really apply to the male MOT’s out there, […]

  9. kneidalach said

    Talking about infection, A woman is also more likely to get infections from having sex while on her period.

  10. […] by Oyster on November 14th, 2007 Inna, Oy Bay’s favorite bloggy Jewish grad student, penned this a few months back. But I loved it, […]

  11. Miriam said

    If you have sex on your period then it’s written in the Torah something along the lines that your soul will be cut off from the entire Jewish people. If you value being Jewish, even if you aren’t religious, you shouldn’t do that.

  12. Miriam said

    It might seem weird to you and you might not understand that law fully but do you really want to take the chance of being cut off from the Jewish people by G-d if you value being Jewish so much?

  13. Oyster said

    Exactly right. I personally scan my underwear weekly and email it to my rabbi to check for spotting.

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